Abandonment
by Izumi's Apprentice
Summary: I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life. Not that I get scared often, but this is the worst type of fear. I can't do this. But for him I'll try...and fail.


Disclaimer: I do not own Kim Possible

Author's Note: Hey, a Drakken/Shego story that doesn't have Spring Awakening lyrics in it! I only have one more song from that musical that I really want to write about but here's another idea I've been pondering and felt like writing first. I'm glad this fanfic mood has continued beyond just one story every 4 months or whatever.

By the way this story is in no way related to (as in AFTER) "A History Long Buried" but if you want the full explanation for Shego's reluctance in this story go read "A History Long Buried" please. Enjoy the story!

Abandonment

Shego stared in the mirror at her blank expression. Her face was paler than usual, if possible, and her eyes seemed to shake in fear. Her lips were parted and her hair was mussed up. This couldn't be happening. Not again. Not now. It was the worst possibly timing of all bad timings. They had just begun to work on their relationship at another level. And yet...all the signs were there. The last thing to do would be getting a test and proof from the professional. And she hated doctors! No. She kept denying what her body was trying to tell her. She would rather die than go through this again. But...it was—she had to tell him. She couldn't bring herself to go behind his back to protect her own ass. She figured however, that he would agree with her and things would be taken care of, but she was afraid that in the one percent chance he disagrees or freaks on her that their relationship would go downhill faster than an avalanche.

Slowly she gathered herself up, pushed her hair down with her hands, although she had just woken up so that would explain the mess her hair was but at the same time it also looked like she had been laying upside down with her hair hanging over the bed so she didn't want to take any chances. She gulped and moved to the door. Shego stopped and turned to splash her face with water and then finally exited the bathroom. A smile easily slid onto her face as she looked over at their bed and saw her love laying sprawled out on the piece of furniture. She walked over to the bed and climbed in, resting on her side so she could watch him for a few moments. She hated to wake him up early after the events they participated in last night, but she needed to tell him now before her courage decided to deflate on her.

She moved closer and placed a light kiss on his lips, hoping to ease him into wakefulness, her hand on his bare chest for balance. Soon he awoke, humming his approval before returning the kiss. "Mornin'," he murmured once they pulled apart, looking at her through half-lidded eyes.

"Morning," she replied even though she didn't feel like talking. She didn't want him concerned before it was necessary. "I need to tell you something," she said and kissed him again. What was this? Asking forgiveness before admitting failure? Oy. It gave her strength, she determined regretfully. And it comforted her.

"Mm?" He asked, still half-asleep and a little dazed by the kisses he had received.

"I'm 99 percent certain I'm pregnant."

Drakken bolted up in bed and thanking her quick reflexes, Shego moved away in time to not be smacked hard. He stared straight ahead, his back stiff and his body still. He blinked a number of times as his breathing grew more shallow. After what seemed like an impossibly long time, he finally spoke a single word. "What?"

"I'm...pregnant, Dr. D," Shego repeated in a meek voice, revealing she felt ashamed and upset at the news. He turned to view her, head bowed and tears threatening to escape her beautiful eyes. Almost immediately he went into sweetheart mode and moved closer so he could wrap his arms around her and comfort her.

"It's okay Shego. It's not like it's the end of the world," he said, tempted to laugh at his joke but refrained with all his might for her sake. He rested his chin on her head after kissing it lightly.

"Yes it is," she mumbled stubbornly.

He smiled briefly. "Are you kidding?" he asked lightly. "People have children all the time. Sure we might be an...unorthodox pair of parents but it's not unusual."

"No you don't get it!" she said pulling away and glaring at him, her mouth in a pout, however. "I can't have a child; I would fail. I'd be a horrible mother. I can't go through with this; it would be a bad idea Drew!" she yelled at him, using his given name for emphasis.

"You don't know that, Shego. I'm sure I'd be a bad father but I want to try and do a good job, especially with such an amazing woman as my comrade in arms, in a manner of speaking," he laughed lightly. "I don't understand why you're so upset about this. You're not in your twenties anymore and you're not a teenager either, so what's gotten you wound up?"

"I don't want a child. I can't have a child. I...what if it had my powers? What if those powers corrupt or poison him? What if he dies? What if I can't protect him? What if he's a monster? What if—?" He cut her off with a rough kiss. She was rambling off a number of fears but Drakken could tell she wasn't telling him the honest truth as to why she didn't want a child. He pushed her back on the bed, taking charge as they kissed. Straddling her hips he finally ended the kiss, his hands on either side of her head to support his weight.

"Shego. Listen to me," he said as she caught her breath and stared at him with wide, frightened eyes. "I want this child. I'm sure somewhere you want this child. And I'm sure that somewhere something is scaring you into not wanting this child. Causing you to fear for its life and messing it up, but you have to push that fear down and overcome it. I'm...scared as hell to have a child but...I want one. I want one now before I'll be too old to see him or her marry and have children of their own. You may have many more years ahead but I don't necessarily," Drakken explained, hoping he was getting to her rational side somehow. His eyes were downcast when he finished that spiel, but he was determined to convince her that having a child wouldn't be the end of the world as they know it.

Shego's eyes finally welled up to the brim and tears spilled over and down her cheeks. "Drew..." she murmured as it was quicker and more intimate than any of his other names. She reached her hands up to hold his face lightly, tears still streaming down her face. "I just...I...went through this before," she admitted through gritted teeth.

"What do you mean?" He asked as her hands fell back to her sides.

"I had a boyfriend in high school. A senior actually and it was wonderful. He...he was my first," her eyes darted up to his to make sure he got her meaning before she looked to the right again. "We did it a number of times, but a little later in the year I...got pregnant. I got excited. Too excited. To make a long story short, my parents forced me into killing the child I was so looking forward to having and raising with my boyfriend, who...dumped me shortly after the operation," She said, her voice growing stronger as she explained the story as though she had practiced to say it detached, emotionless. She laughed lightly. "I gave my parents the note he left me about how he blamed my parents for the breakup. He said he couldn't stand to see me when he too had been expecting to raise our child. I went to live with a friend for a few months after I gave them that note. Nice kick in the ass if you ask me!" Shego laughed again, but her eyes remained glossed over.

Drakken had been watching her the entire time, noticing every little tweak of her face and change in emotion, sympathy soon being drawn forth on his face. Unable to find something to say he bent down and kissed her instead, intentionally passive with the kiss. Confused at first Shego kissed him back just as lightly, but then felt the urge to kiss harder, more passionately, more roughly and she did. With her anger she got as far as biting at her lover's bottom lip but before drawing blood or continuing the kiss her mouth went slack and a whimper escaped her lips. Drakken's eyes opened to see hers shut tightly, tears dripping out. He sat back and pulled her up to hug her properly. He had never seen her this torn up before. Maybe having a child wasn't such a good idea.

The man took a sigh to release the tension that had built up in his back muscles, but knew it would return to at least his shoulders after speaking. "Go ahead and do what you want with the...fetus," he said, careful not to use the word baby or child. Yup, there was the tension again, he thought, eyes staring firmly at their headboard to refrain from crying himself or getting angry. No. He would make this small sacrifice for her happiness. Hah! Small. Not in the slightest. Maybe in a couple of years she would feel more comfortable with having a child. He wanted one now. Well, he knew he couldn't have one now, but he wanted one this year, but he refused to be selfish when the love of his life was hurting this much.

Shego looked up at him, eyebrows quirked up in concern. Really? Was he really conceding? No, it was for her, wasn't it? Now she felt guilty, eyes drawn back to her legs again. "No," she muttered. "This is...a two-person decision. We both have to decide what's best. I...want you to be happy and if...bringing this child to term is the best for our life then I'll do it. I don't want to lose you like I lost Jared," she whispered the last sentence regretfully.

"You could never lose me," he said automatically, kissing her cheek sincerely. "But you really mean it? You'll become a parent with me?" The joy that lit his eyes was almost too much for Shego to bear it. She nodded her head, hoping she looked somewhat convincing that she wanted the child too. She couldn't bring herself to say that she was so scared she was afraid she would run away. Drakken smiled slowly and cupped her face gently, pulling her in for a sweet kiss. "I love you so much Shego. And you too," he said, placing a hand on her abdomen. The former-hero winced slightly at the sudden contact down there. Damn. He was already talking to it. When he looked back up at her, however, she put on a smile again.

* * *

She was quiet. Too quiet. He didn't like it. Was she not in pain? He figured she would be in pain. Most were. She was strong but this was the greatest test of all time and he knew she had weak moments. Many of which he had consoled during the past year. It almost concerned him how quiet she was. Especially without the shot. He was about to mention it to her when he heard a little whimper pass her closed lips. Beside that one little noise she had only indicated any progress by closing her eyes and resting her head against the pillows behind her. There was one instance where her eyes had rolled into her head it seemed when a wave struck. Of course, he was the only who noticed the slow trickle of more signs as the night continued. It wasn't when her hand clenched the bed sheet that he called for the nurse but when she clenched it and her hand lit on fire that he called the doctor. Even as the last hurdle was being taken, she refused to cry out, mere whimpers that sounded more sorrowful than pained escaping and tears streaking down her perfect face.

He held her hand but he couldn't bear to look at her crying again. She had been crying so often these past few months he began to regret his decision to have a child. Even when he wasn't around he would hear her crying lightly or come across her sitting alone, curled up in a chair. He had been busy preparing a room for their addition that he couldn't babysit her every moment or every day and though he suggested she come help him build something for their child, she would always refuse. All the room needed now was a paint job, although he had been told that purple was a decent neutral color; he wanted to be cliché though. He figured that the time their child spent in their room at night would be long enough to paint his or her bedroom and let it air before it could stay overnight in its own room. His thoughts occupied him long enough to avoid the stress of the birth and soon his ears picked up the mild cries of a newborn.

His eyes shot open and he stared at the bottom of the bed, half noticing that his lover's hand had gone slack in his. Where were they? He could hear them, but...where...what...? A grin slowly blossomed on his face, anxiously awaiting the sight of his child. She looked up at him sadly, but forced a weak smile when she saw the nurse turn around and head back toward them.

"Congratulations Mr and Mrs Lipsky, it's a girl," the nurse announced transferring the child to her mother's arms. Said mother didn't have the heart to tell the young woman that they weren't married, especially when the child was in her arms. Her throat constricted in fear. It was finally here. It was so small and fragile. Frail almost. It could easily get hurt if they weren't careful. And it was a girl. She just couldn't—

"Wow," her attention was drawn to the man at her left and she nodded.

"Drakken. I...I'm weak...could you...?" she asked motioning toward the infant with her head. He nodded fast, overly eager, but his movements slowed to a snail's pace when he picked his daughter up, careful not to jostle her. He peered at her face, eyes still closed for now and his face morphed into that of complete adoration and then admiration. Shego's eyebrows lifted slightly when he looked at her.

He smiled and answered her unspoken question. "I'm so proud of you. You...brought her into this world, Shego. It's amazing," he said, awe in his voice. He could never be that strong, especially as silent as Shego had been.

The nurse came over having finished talking to the doctor and allowing the family some bonding time. "I'm sorry, Mr. Lipsky, but I need to bring your daughter to the nursery now," she said, holding her arms out for the exchange.

Drakken gave a little wave with his hand as the two left the room. His gaze turned back to his lover and saw that she was resting her head against the pillows, eyes closed. She must be exhausted, he surmised. Slowly, so as not to disturb her too much he sat on the edge of the bed and picked up her hand to draw circles on her palm with his other hand. "I love you Shego," he informed her, so overwhelmed with positive emotions right now.

"I love you too," she murmured back, but kept her eyes closing because she knew if she looked at him she would start crying again. This was such a mess now! She felt him kissing her lightly before her thoughts progressed much further.

"You should get some rest. I'll be right here all night," he told her before moving to one of the chairs near him. He brought it closer to her bed and sat down, resting his arms and then his head on the side of her bed. Shego opened her eyes warily to watch him. She didn't expect him to go to sleep immediately. Knowing his high energy in certain situations, he wouldn't have the calm to go to sleep so quickly, but he sure was trying. Quietly she sighed, resting her head back again. What a mess. She couldn't be a mother. She would be a horrible mother. Why did she agree to this again? To please him, that's why. Maybe that was a bad decision. No, she wanted to make him happy. Even if she couldn't make the kid happy. Every scenario in her head ended badly and she couldn't help it with its face engraved in her memory now. Her life was ruined now. And there was nothing she could do to make it better.

* * *

I sat on the circle carpet, banging something into something else. It made a loud noise and made me smile so I giggle now and then. It was fun! I giggled louder and more joyfully. One of the hits made the toy I was hitting go away from me. I almost cried but then saw something shiny to my left. Ooo...I picked it up, it was heavy. I cocked my head to the side to gaze at it with wide sea-green eyes then gasped. What was that in the shiny?! Was that a person like the person who picks me up all the time? Ooooo. I hmm-ed and turned my head to the right. What was that? A yelped when I heard a loud noise. Scary...

A woman stormed into the room and across to the door. "I can't do this anymore Drakken! I'm not fit to be a parent. Just look at what I've done for it. Nothing! I don't know what to do, I'm so afraid I'll drop her, hurt her or set her on fire I can't even touch her! I'm horrible at being sweet with her because I'll mess it up! I know it. And she doesn't even like me!" she yelled at him after spinning around violently.

"That's not true Shego and you know it!" Drakken shouted back, apron around his waist, bottle without a cap in one of his hands.

"Yes it is. I'm a horrible mother and I knew I would be! I told you so and you didn't believe me. I knew I should have just run away and gotten another abortion!" She turned to exit.

"Yeah like the first one didn't mess you up enough."

She froze. "What. Did you say?" she asked through clenched teeth, hands balling into fists.

"Oh come on Shego. You know that abortion when you were a teenager is why you don't want a child now. Why you're scared to mess her up. As parents, isn't it our duty to mess up our children? We just need to be sure we don't mess her up too much. You're scared of merely trying to be a mother. Or maybe you have some deep-seated mother issues of your own," Drakken countered, finally glad to get it off of his chest and out in the open for her to hear. Maybe she would see reason.

"You don't know. You don't know a damn thing about me or my past!" She growled glaring at him now.

"Go ahead," he challenged, recognizing her stance. "Light up. Frighten her," he said pointing at their daughter sitting a distance away.

Shego's stance instantly loosened and she stared at the girl. "Drakken I can't," she whispered looking away from the child, arms wrapping around her defensively.

"Shego, she's your daughter. She loves you. I know you can do this," the blue man tried encouraging, voice softer now.

"No I can't. Just...take her away okay," she pleaded.

"Not until you tell her you love her." All this time I had been busy playing with my new shiny toy again but when it fell silent I looked up at the pair, gaze soon caught by the woman's. I grinned, knowing who it was, but she kept frowning. Her lips parted in an attempt to say something and my eyes glinted in anticipation. Those same lips closed and her gaze turned sideways. Quickly she looked back at me, a little more confident? No? She wasn't going to say any...? My expression turned upside down and a wail escaped my own lips.

"See what I did?!" Shego exclaimed pointing at their daughter. "I'm a failure, Drakken!" she added before rushing out of the house.

"Shego, wait!" he called after her, afraid that if she left she wouldn't ever return. Despite that fear, his paternal instincts kicked in and he rushed over to their daughter. He picked her up and rocked her in his arms. "It's okay little one. Daddy's got you," he cooed soothingly. When she had calmed down he headed back tot he kitchen with her and placed her in the highchair, spoon still clutched in her tiny hand. He smiled at her, causing her to smile at him after a hiccup shot through her. "You're such a cute little girl, aren't you?" he said before finishing testing the formula and bringing the bottle over to her. She took it immediately and began suckling, wide eyes locked on her father the entire time.

Drakken sat down in the chair closest to her. "Oh don't worry. Mommy will be back soon. She had to get something at the store," he said, mostly to calm his own nerves. Shego had a tendency to run away when things got too tough for her. But would she have the guts or guilt to return this time? He knew that despite her reluctance to help with their daughter, she still loved him and would help him, but would that be enough or would the fear of their daughter keep her away? He sighed.

* * *

"Melanie was my mother's name."

"And you gave it to your daughter. How sweet."

"I guess."

"If your mother abandoned you and your brothers when you were young, naming your own child after her is not unsurprising. Despite the hatred you show her, you still love her right?"

"Yeah..." a long pause. "I think I took her departure the hardest. Makes sense I guess because I was the girl. The twins took it hard too but they clung to my older brothers and father. I couldn't stand dad...or my oldest brother. I bonded the best with Melvin and the twins now and then but mostly Mel."

"I assume you always come to hear my opinion but I'll ask anyway. If I may be so bold as to say that I believe the issue you're having with Melanie is due to the fact you had no motherly influence to look back at for guidance. And I should also point out that, even though Melanie is still too young to understand these things, you have just left her as your mother left you when you were a teenager," the red head stated, taking another sip of her drink, watching as this information settled on her guest's face. She was in no way a psychologist but she was older and more knowledgeable so she willing to help out the younger woman time and again. Almost every week since the birth of her child, she had received visits from the black-haired woman and they talked. She didn't know why she couldn't tell her lover the same things she was told, but she never brought it up in fear of the woman going away and bottling her thoughts and feelings inside.

"I never thought of that," she responded finally. "But staying out of guilt is not right either. How...I've been trying to get past this to become a better person, to be a...mother but...I don't know how to explain."

"Shego," she reached her hand across the table and placed it atop the new mother's. "It's okay to be scared as a new mother, to not know what to do or how to express yourself, but you have to push past it for Melanie," she said, knowing that the constant use of the child's name would help the healing process.

"But what do I do? I've seen Drakken do things but I can't imagine myself doing them half as well," she admitted, head turning to face the window.

"I can't necessarily show you what to do with infants but I can let you watch me mother my own children and perhaps we can visit the nursery at the hospital and I can show you a few things. How does that sound?"

"It sounds...nice. Thank you for your kindness Mrs. Possible," Shego said, giving her a small smile. "You...certainly raised Kimmie well."

"Thank you. Now, the only condition to this is you have to help around the house but specifically you can only stay for a month max. Understand?" Mrs. Possible said firmly, standing up from the table to bring her cup to the sink.

"Understood," the former villain nodded, standing up as well.

* * *

She was crying again. God this was the seventh time this night. Weren't they suppose to start sleeping through the night soundly by now? Apparently not his daughter. No, she had practically refused to stop crying except to poop or drink from her bottle. She cried while playing with her toys, while being talked to and when trying to sleep. He knew why she was crying too. She missed her mother, but he was almost at his breaking point. Not to mention he missed waking up next to the most beautiful woman he had ever had the privilege of knowing. That was a shame. He had called his mother who said to let the baby keep crying and put herself to sleep, but it was so hard for him to not go to her and help her, whatever she needed or not. But he tried hard, pulling a pillow to him and pressing it against his head to block the sound out.

Suddenly it was silent. He wasn't sure if he had passed out from exhaustion for a few minutes or if the baby had stopped crying for some unknown reason, but she wasn't crying anymore. The more he thought about it, the more he decided he should investigate. He trudged out of bed, the chilly air wrapping around him immediately as he went into the hall and down to the baby's room. When he entered he saw an adult-sized figure standing by the crib in front of the open window. Wait, he didn't open the window tonight. The man wrapped his arms around his body due to the cold. When his eyes adjusted to the soft lighting available, he recognized the svelte figure, which caused those same eyes to widened to the size of saucers.

It was Shego! She stood there, holding their daughter, just...looking at her. She said nothing, she didn't rock her, she just...held her. He heard a little bit of humming after a few moments and a smile spread across his face. Slowly he stepped into the room knowing that the floor creaking would be a good indicator for the woman he so longed to hold to notice him. She did after a second and watched as he came to the other side of the crib. He was tempted to walk around to the other side and hug her and kiss her and tell her how much he loved and missed her, but he refrained. He even held his tongue in saying obviously, that she was back.

Her eyes drifted down, his following, and saw that the girl was now sound asleep, so she lowered the slumbering child into the crib and pulled the blanket up to her shoulder. Her hand rested on the baby's forehead briefly before sliding off and up. Shego turned and quietly moved to the window to close it then came around the crib to face Drakken, who gestured toward the door. The pair headed for the door and down to their bedroom in silence. He was so overwhelmed that she had simply returned that he couldn't even recall the anger he had at her leaving. Sad as it was, he was used to her absences anyway. He entered the room first and moved toward the bed as she turned to close to door. It took her a few moments to turn back to him, however.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out, afraid that he would say something before she was able to say the single most important thing that needed to be said at this juncture.

He shook his head. "I'm just glad you came back."

"No, you should be angry at me for..." she gulped but she had to use the word. "...for abandoning you...and Melanie."

Drakken looked at her curiously. Very rarely had she called their daughter by name. Maybe that month away had helped somehow. "What matters is that you're back now," he said, unwilling to fight her right now or be forced to say something he didn't want to say. "Next time I'll chase you and make you stay. Deal?"

She nodded before changing the topic. "I know you didn't grow up with a father, and she was overbearing, but you had a decent mother. Someone to take experience from in order to take care of...our daughter. I don't have that luxury. My mother abandoned us maybe a year after we got our powers and I never really got along with my father. I didn't know how to be a mother with no example to look at," she explained as concisely as she could. "Melanie's named after my mother, by the way."

"It's a lovely name," Drakken agreed quietly. He was glad she was finally opening up to him. "Why did you come back?" he hoped it wasn't out of guilt or simply loving him and not their daughter too.

"I...stayed with Ann Possible for the month and she and I talked a lot. I've been visiting her since Melanie was born. But this past month she let me watch her deal with her children. Apparently Kimmie doesn't like cleaning her room," she laughed lightly, the sound strange to her own ears. It had been a while since she laughed, whether at herself or another, but it felt good anyways. "She also brought me to the nursery at the Middleton Hospital. Showed me how to handle infants, what to do when they cry and things like that. It was very...helpful. She's a great teacher, but she's also a great mother. A wonderful example and a wonderful human being for helping me out. I can't thank her enough, especially if I'm able to keep this going," she said.

Drakken nodded every now and then during her explanation to indicate he was indeed listening. Odd that she went to James Possible's wife for advice and a place to stay, but he figured Shego had no other older women in her life to turn to. He wasn't here to judge at any rate.

"So here I am. Trying to be a mother. Trying to do the right thing, so...forgive me when I fumble or screw up," she said as though it were a part of a speech she had been practicing and that was her summation. Of course, she had only a few specific things she had planned to say when she returned so it wasn't entirely scripted.

Drakken stood from the bed and approached her. She stared up at him with those beautiful innocent eyes, but before she could worry, his arms enveloped her.

"Welcome home."


End file.
